You’ll shoot your boss an email–then no one can claim you weren’t being responsible.

I just wanted to let you know I’m taking a sick day. I think I must have eaten some bad stuffing yesterday–without going into grisly details, it’s a stomach thing, probably food poisoning, and I don’t think it would be fair to anyone for me to come into the office.

That’s good, no one argues with implied diarrhea.

I called in, but I couldn’t reach anyone.

Yes, throw your coworkers under the bus! You’ll look even more upstanding!

So I thought I’d let you know directly. Hope you had a nice holiday. See you Monday morning (assuming I can shake this!).

You hit send and head into the kitchen for a slice of snack-pie and prepare to do nothing valuable for the next 72 hours.

* * * * *

You’ve barely been at your desk 10 minutes Monday morning when the email comes in.

Please pop into my office at your earliest convenience. We need to have a chat.

It’s from your boss. Maybe he’s going to commend you for being so honest Friday?

You walk in and he gestures you to sit. He looks either constipated or disappointed. Hopefully he’s just upset that he’s constipated?

“I wanted to discuss your, uh-uh-uh, behavior Friday.”

“Sure,” you say tentatively. You’re still not sure where this is going.

“While I don’t plan on lodging a formal reprimand, I wanted to let you know how, uh-uh-uh, disappointed I was by your email.”

Well that clears that up.

“I’m sorry, I just had a bug and I didn’t want to–”

“I understand no one’s, uh-uh-uh, eager to work around the holidays. But we expect our employees to stick to the high standards we set year-round. Disrespecting your coworkers by blatantly abusing our sick leave policy is, well,” he shakes his head, grimacing, “I expected, uh-uh-uh, better.”

You’re not sure how to respond. You lost a fucking sick day–why even have sick days if you’re going to be reamed for using them?

You force yourself not to bring up the “illness” your boss came down with last year after the open-bar holiday party.

“I’m sorry to have let you down,” you say robotically. “I’ll try harder.”

“Good. Do.”

He gestures you out.

On your way back to your desk, where you intend to send out as many resumes as you can before lunch, you overhear Morgan chatting with Debby in the break room.

“Oh, no, I didn’t get the day off,” Morgan says, “but no one’s here to check up on you. I didn’t even show up until 1.”

“NO! SNRCK!” Debby snorts wetly at the scandalous revelation, her cheeks rising so far her tiny eyes almost disappear beneath them.

“I only showed up at all because my lunch date was down the street. No one was here, so I sent an email and left.”

God DAMMIT.

You always knew honesty and playing by the rules were mistakes.

 

THE END.


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