You have ten different “lump” tabs open on your browser.

“Leave the lump exposed to the air whenever possible,” you read.

Even though you’re not totally comfortable with your own topless rolls and folds, you remove your shirt, looking away from the mirror as you do so.

“80% of all lumps are benign, which means they’re not cancerous.”

So there’s a 20% chance that you’ve got cancer? As far as statistics go, that’s basically like 100%.

Given that you actually hold your cell phone to your ear (and you like to smoke. But only when you drink—well, also when you’re hungover. And you never eat kale, and you think your cat looks kind of Russian… like CHERNOBYL Russian), it’s probably more like 80/20 in cancer’s favor.

It’s time to face the facts—you have cancer that will no doubt attack your immune system and ravage your flabby body within weeks. Come to terms with it already!

If you want to call a lawyer and begin the process of drafting up a will, click here.

If you want to cut the lump out yourself with a kitchen knife, click here.