If you try to wait this out, you’ll probably shit yourself. No one would trust a pants-shitter with the important Iceland deal.

“Pardon me for just a moment,” you say, “I just need to use the restroom.”

“Oh, uh-uh-uh.” Your boss looks surprised. God, you hope you can make it the fifteen feet between here and the door of the main bathrooms without exploding. Even that word–exploding–makes your butthole feel less airtight.

You can’t wait on him any longer.

“I’ll just be a minute,” you say, waddling away.

*    *    *    *    *

You release your bowels in a flood, your whole body actually shuddering with relief.

Oh dear lord, the smell is foul. You really need to learn your lesson about drunk-eating Combos. But they’re so damn tasty!

It’s amazing your body could even contain this much shit, let alone that you could physically hold it in for so long. Frankly, you’re kind of proud of yourself. That took some serious control.

Once you finally finish up, you wash your hands, swing by your desk to grab a mint–gotta seem fresh for this conversation–then head to your boss’s office. Johnson is walking away, smiling broadly. You tap on the open doorframe.

“Sorry about that, something didn’t agree with me. Anyway, is now a good time to talk about Iceland? My schedule is…” you have no real plans with other humans for the next ever “…flexible, at least if the company needs me.”

“Oh, thanks for your, uh-uh-uh, enthusiasm, but I’ve actually just asked Johnson to represent us at those meetings. You looked a bit under the weather, and we really needed to lock this down as soon as possible; my secretary was on hold with the ticket-changing people.”

Seriously?

“The trip starts the day after tomorrow, after all. Couldn’t send you if you had a bug.” You nod, gritting your teeth. Your boss continues. “For some reason the first meeting is scheduled for Friday, and the next one isn’t until the following Wednesday. Inconvenient, but Johnson was, uh-uh-uh, game. Good employee, that Johnson.”

“Yes, well, I want you to know, I feel like I’m ready to step up to the–”

Your boss waves his hand at you.

“Yes, yes, noted. Next time, maybe.”

You try to smile.

“Of course not in Iceland. This should lock things down there. But in a few months we might need someone to visit our, uh-uh-uh, Schenectady partners. I’ll keep you in mind!” He smiles broadly.

God DAMMIT.

THE END.


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